I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
