Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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