I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
