you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
