Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
