I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
as a side note pls kill me
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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