drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
