There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
