I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
