You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
