what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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