True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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