It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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