Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
