i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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