Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
