The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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