So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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