There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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