She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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