My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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