You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
