You don't have asthma, your pregnant
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
