I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
