Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
