final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
