Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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