The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
