Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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