We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
