the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
