Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
