I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
