I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
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