i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
