Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Do vagina's smell?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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