Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
