Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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