god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
