i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
