They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
