someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
