the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
