i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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