Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
