I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
