his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
