I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
