I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
