You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
